You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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