She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
