you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
