You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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