Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
