I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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