I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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