I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
