You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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