Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
