I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
