the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
