girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
