i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
