its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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