Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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