there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
