Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
