i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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