just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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