just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
