New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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