theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We left an ass print on the piano.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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