So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
