you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
