You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
