I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
