my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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