There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's rum buckets o'clock
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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