I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
