So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
