Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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