Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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