I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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