I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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