yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
