Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
