3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
