remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
