so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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