ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
