i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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