it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
