So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
