What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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