I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
