so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
