ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
