there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
