Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
