I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
