I want to walk on stilts...naked
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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