cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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