dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
