I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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