im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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