saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
