So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
