I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
