I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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