i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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